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Man to God: "God, why did you make woman so beautiful?"
God to Man: "So you would love her."
"But God," Man says, "why did you make her so dumb?"
God replies: "So she would love you."

 

God created man before creating woman, because you need a rough draft before creating a masterpiece.

 

Diamonds are a girl's best friends.
Dogs are man's best friend.
So which is the dumber sex?

 

Single women complain that all good men are married, while all married women complain about their lousy husbands. This confirms that there is no such thing as a good man.

 

Ever notice how many of women's problems can be traced to the male gender?
MENstruation
MENopause
MENtal breakdown
GUYnecology
HIMmorrhoids

 

What's the difference between government bonds and men?
Bonds mature.

 

 

What's the difference between a man and E.T.?
E.T. phoned home.

 

How are men like noodles?
They're always in hot water, they lack taste, and they need dough.

 

Why do men like BMWs?
They can spell it.

 

What do an anniversary and a toilet have in common?
Men always miss them.

 

Why are men like popcorn?
They satisfy you, but only for a little while.

 

Why are men like blenders?
You need one, but you're not quite sure why.

 

Why is food better than men?
Because you don't have to wait an hour for seconds.

 

Why do so many women fake orgasm?
Because so many men fake foreplay.

 

Why do men like frozen microwave dinners so much?
They like being able to both eat and make love in under 5 minutes.

 

Why would women be better off if men treated them like cars?
At least then they would get a little attention every 6 months or 10,000 miles, whichever came first.

 

What do you call a man who expects to have sex on the second date?
Slow.

 

What is the difference between men and pigs?
Pigs don't turn into men when they drink.

 

The 5 toughest questions women ask - and their answers
Author: Unknown

 
The five questions are:
1 - "What are you thinking?"

2 - "Do you love me?"

3 - "Do I look fat?"

4 - "Do you think she is prettier than me?"

5 - "What would you do if I died?"
 
What makes these questions so bad is that every one is guaranteed to explode into a major argument and/or divorce if the man does not answer properly, which is to say dishonestly. For example:

1 - "What are you thinking?"
The proper answer to this question, of course, is, "I'm sorry if I've been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, caring, thoughtful, intelligent, beautiful woman you are and what a lucky guy I am to have met you." Obviously, this statement bears no resemblance whatsoever to what the guy was really thinking at the time, which was most likely one of five things:
a - Baseball
b - Football
c - How fat you are.
d - How much prettier she is than you.
e - How he would spend the insurance money if you died.
According to the a reliable source, the best answer to this stupid question came from Al Bundy, of Married With Children, who was asked it by his wife, Peg. "If I wanted you to know," Al said, "I'd be talking instead of thinking."
The other questions also have only one right answer but many wrong answers:
2 - "Do you love me?"
The correct answer to this question is, "Yes." For those guys who feel the need to be more elaborate, you may answer, "Yes, dear. Wrong answers include:
a - I suppose so.
b - Would it make you feel better if I said yes.
c - That depends on what you mean by "love".
d - Does it matter?
e - Who, me?

3 - "Do I look fat?"
The correct male response to this question is to confidently and emphatically state, "No, of course not" and then quickly leave the room. Wrong answers include:
a - I wouldn't call you fat, but I wouldn't call you thin either.
b - Compared to what?
c - A little extra weight looks good on you.
d - I've seen fatter.
e - Could you repeat the question? I was thinking about your insurance policy.

4 - "Do you think she's prettier than me?"
The "she" in the question could be an ex-girlfriend, a passer-by you were starring at so hard thay you almost cause a traffic accident or an actress in a movie you just saw. In any case, the correct response is, "No, you are much prettier." Wrong answers include:
a - Not prettier, just pretty in a different way.
b - I don't know how one goes about rating such things.
c - Yes, but I bet you have a better personality.
d - Only in the sense that she's younger and thinner.
e - Could you repeat the question? I was thinking about your insurance policy.

5 - "What would you do if I died?"
Correct answer: "Dearest love, in the event of your untimely demise, life would cease to have meaning for me and I would perforce hurl myself under the front tires of the first Domino's Pizza truck that came my way." This might be the stupidest question of the lot, as is illustrated by the following stupid joke:
"Dear," said the wife. "What would you do if I died?"
"Why, dear, I would be extremely upset," said the husband. "Why do you ask such a question?"
"Would you remarry?" persevered the wife.
"No, of couse not, dear" said the husband.
"Don't you like being married?" said the wife.
"Of course I do, dear" he said.
"Then why wouldn't you remarry?"
"Alright," said the husband, "I'd remarry."
"You would?" said the wife, looking vaguely hurt.
"I guess I would," said the husband.
"Would you sleep with her in our bed?" said the wife after a long pause.
"Well yes, I suppose I would." replied the husband.
"I see," said the wife indignantly." And would you let her wear my old clothes?"
"I suppose, if she wanted to" said the husband.
"Really," said the wife icily. "And would you take down the pictures of me and replace them with pictures of her?"
"Yes. I think that would be the correct thing to do."
"Is that so?" said the wife, leaping to her feet. "And I suppose you'd let her play with my golf clubs, too."
"Of course not, dear," said the husband. "She's left-handed."
 

 

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